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Sunday, September 12, 2010

A Slip Of The Knife

For those of you who haven't read about my family life yet, I have five kids, ( we have cold winters here in Canada. )  & this is a true, but weird story about when one of them was born. This story has to do with my youngest son, Adam.

When he was born as usual, I was ecstatic, just as I was when all of my children were born. I was there for the beginning..  the conception I mean... & I was there for the birth, & many years after. He still lives with me.  I don't miss much. " My God... will they ever leave home ???? " 

My eldest daughter who was about ten at the time, one day said to me.. " Daddy, I'm never gonna leave home. " In joking, I turned to her & said..  " Jennie, don't you ever threaten me like that again. " She has left home though & has three beautiful children of her own. This is now God's way of showing her what I went through as a parent.  Kinda cool how life turns around. 

Anyway, back to my story. Nine months later, here I am again, back at the hospital for yet another birth. The kid's Godfather had told me that when the time came, he would drive us to the hospital. The time had come, & I was in a panic. What else is new ? I had sworn that I would be calm. HAAAA ! Don't believe it. I was like an obsessed person who couldn't get a grip. I knew what was happening. I had been through it three times before. 

Ok ! I can handle this....  I think. I got on the phone. That was good. I called their godfather & in a very calm, relaxed voice.....oh hell... I lied. I freaked like a wild man over the phone. " Mom's in labor. The babies coming. Her water broke. Oh my god. 

Was it her water or did I just have a case of bladder failure ? And then... and then.. I slammed the phone down right in his ear.  No " Good-bye." No, " Kiss my a_ _, " just SLAM. I don't think his hearings been the same since. 

Next thing I knew he was at the door, the godfather, not the baby. He was still inside screaming,
" I WANT OUT. "  We loaded mom in the car. Kinda makes her sound like luggage. We made sure she was comfortable & took off like a bat out of Hell. Luckily, we only came across one vehicle on the road that night. Seriously. We almost hit him in the ass. He was stopped for a red light. Where are the cops when you need them ? Not one. We looked for an escort but there was no one. It must have been half price at the donut shop. 

Ok. We arrive at the hospital safe & sound. In we go with mom. Delivery room here we come. Mom's going through the last pangs of labor. I'm standing there with her, holding her hand & trying to be a comfort to her. The woman's in massive pain. This mini me is about to make his grand entrance from this nine centimeter exit & I think I'm a comfort. I'm just lucky everything hard was out of her reach. Thank God. I would have had to be treated for a possible concussion. ( By the way, he is exactly like me in who he is. I feel sorry for him. 

She pushed. The baby moved. She pushed again & POP. Ok, Ok. There wasn't any sound effects. Our beautiful son had been born. What a kid. There he was, naked as a shaved bears butt. Of course, what was I thinking , they came with jump suits ? NO, I don't take drugs. 

Everything was there. I should know, I counted everything. Toes, fingers, ears, eyes, nose,  & one mouth.  What the hell did I expect to do if he was short of something , send him back & ask for a refund ? 

The doctors were doing their thing with mom & I was beaming with pride like a chessy cat. No, I don't always look that way. And then it happened. The doctor turned to me & asked that ultimate question....
" Would you like to cut the cord ?  "What ? ' 'Are you kidding ? " I was like a kid in a candy shop. This was the first time they had ever asked me this. You know what ? It was also the last time too. 

By this time, I had calmed down. I was relaxed & very professional, as the doctor handed me the scissors to make that all important separation of life. I was the chosen one. 

I turned to the doctor & said, "I cut between the clamps, right.? " He confirmed that, yes, I knew what I was doing. I'm just glad that he didn't ask me to do a circumcision. 

There I was, scissors in hand, ready to cut along the dotted line. Snip. I did it. I was almost sad at the thought that as fast as that, it was all over. I had just started practicing medicine. I was feeling like I had found my calling in life... to snip umbilical cords. 

WHEW ! That was that. Too bad I didn't have someone to send my bill to besides myself. That job within itself was probably worth a few hundreds bucks, by the standards that doctors make. 

All the while, mom's laying there shaking her head & repeatedly saying, " No, no, no. " " What the hell ? " I just thought it had something to do with what the doctors were doing. I was confused, perplexed, unnerved, emotionally distressed.
All of the above. 

In about a half hour, we were back in her hospital room. Everything was done. Baby was delivered & mom was ok. I sat there with her just thinking & talking about what had just happened. I kept wondering about this... " No, no, no" coming from her a few minutes ago, so I asked. " What was that all about? ' ' Shaking your head & saying, ' No, no, no?"

I soon found out my answer & the great mystery was solved. her exact words to me were, " I didn't want you to cut the babies cord." " Why not?" I did it right. What I got back was, " I was afraid you were going to cut off the wrong thing. "    

Dalton Lasher

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